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Panorama

by La Dispute

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1.
ROSE QUARTZ 01:05
2.
Found a body at the rest stop Buried in the woods beneath The garbage and leaves Workers clearing overgrowth Saw hidden in the brush Just beyond the line of the trees A jawbone and teeth Winter into spring On Fulton Street And cities grow weeds And cities grow And cities keep secrets in the trees In the shadow of a pyramid And cities grow weeds And cities grow By the river and the covered bridge All cities grow weeds And I know All the memories your dreams retrieve You pick a dress out for the funeral Hold a vigil in a field Release lanterns at night And I saw on the shoulder of the interstate When I followed your eyes When I followed your eyes All the crosses for the accidents All the photos and the flowers by the street Will I ever put flowers by the street? Will I ever put flowers by the street? Never needed to live and suffer through the pain All the tyrannies of grief If I ever do Will I even have the strength to do anything? Could I go and leave flowers by the street? And I saw signs on the shoulder of the interstate When I followed your eyes And I saw lights fading every monument And the passage of time If I could just try could I banish all the pain in you? Give you everything you need? If I hid rose quartz underneath the mattress Would it help you nights When you’re struggling to sleep? When you’re struggling to sleep? Will I ever be half what I can be? Can I ever be half what I can be? If you needed me to be anything Could I even be half of what you need? Will I ever be me? Will I ever be me? If I could take hands to shake you Would you want me to? If it shook you out of grief? If gave chase Summers when you tunnel into nothingness Would it bring you some release? If I saw signs on the shoulder of the interstate When I followed where your eyes went I saw nights spent after midnight in a eulogy That you never got to give And I saw fenders bent hard on an oak tree I saw sirens at the scene I saw cigarettes falling in the tangle of machinery Between the console and seat And I saw hands reach Car drift across the center line I saw it all in my dreams And I saw leaves hiding bodies In the tree line off the interstate But I’ve never put flowers by the street I’ve never put flowers by the street If you need for me to be anything I could be everything you need If you need for me to be anything I could be everything you need Every monument Every memory And I’ve never put flowers by the street
3.
I had a vision of snow Fall into footprints I watched the winter whip And bury everything Off in the distance Your figure drifting in mist On pilgrimage and all alone You were like a stone Thrown in a river Or in your pocket I was the water And I watched you tremble Down into nothing Sink like an anchor You’re failing A phantom A break in the bone I will be the one who chases you out in the snow Go where you tunnel down and the trouble starts I will follow you out and carry all the pain away I will be the one who follows you out in the flow Go if the water swells drags you under Know I will swallow it whole and carry all the pain away Nights I wandered out Head buried in my coat Snow blowing in everything Thick like smoke I could feel the cold growing How weather makes you hold things tight On the way to buy us wine Nights afraid to die There is that phantom path carved in ghost steps sloped down To a pond somehow still half-frozen The evidence of struggle again so many years ago Our first turn out to Lowell from home The image returns to me Again and again (When will it leave?) I was waiting for the anger to change I was waiting for the anger to change I was waiting for the anger to change I was waiting for the roof beams to bend And give way under weight I was waiting for the anger to change I was waiting for the anger to change I was waiting for the anger to change I was waiting for the roof beams to bend And the whole thing to break Chasing your pain You were like a chain swung in anger You’re anxious You’re shaking I know The shape of your pain Painted with the name on your shoulder blade Never gets older or wakes And I know the way Down highways through Ada To places you waited for friends who can’t show And I know your dreams Of opening caskets You shake in the mattress You shake in the—
4.
Lifetimes Lived and died For a moment in the turnaround I was waiting with the car in drive Watched you hurry on across the parking lot The image of her life in your mind fades and I could see an anxious strength in you A bravery born in pain Waiting by the front door on your cell phone Summer at the convalescent home Kill me by surprise You said I don’t want to stay alive to watch the words go first like hers Lifetimes Lived and died In the winter on the porch Through the the window of the door I watch In the kitchen with your notebook open Frozen in the cold when I’d come back with wine At the end of every long night Take a moment you need to just breathe Whole days in treatment plans Aphasic patients Apraxia of speech Weeks and months go by like this We function on routines We sleep We eat We read We eat We drink We sleep We keep her picture on the fridge I keep a rabbit toy for kids You gave me strength to fix myself I gave you tokens Toys and gifts To help you grieve You said Kill me by surprise Again I don’t want to stay alive to watch the words go first like hers Winter we huddle in anger Spring sadness sink in it Summer accept all departures In autumn start again Winter we huddle in anger Spring sadness sink in it Summer accept all departures In autumn start again I drove around for hours For gifts to help you heal The memories of parted ones The seasons of our grief Rhodonite for stress relief Promethazine for sleep A rabbit toy for children My deep condolences Rhodonite for stress Promethazine for sleep A rabbit toy for kids My deep condolences Lifetimes Lived and died
5.
You plead for distance I never change Buried in behind the brightness Spill like poison in you My palm against you Your ever-anxious days Buried in behind the brightness Spill like poison in you And it causes you to shake The shape of my mistakes Buried in behind the brightness Spill like poison in you My palm against your forehead Your ever-anxious days I felt afraid and ashamed That I felt anything all I felt you panicking You’re shattering Your catastrophic fall And I felt long gone Already so far gone Already anxious You’re shaking now You’re breaking down I failed you all along My panic grips your own pain spills that poison in you I’m pleading for forgiveness how I failed so many times Competes now with your own pain In your ever-anxious mind You plea to break your chain Our ever-changing life To be buried from behind the darkness hides That brightest light My hand against you Your ever-anxious mind Will be buried in behind the poison spills That panic brings back Image in my mind of the nightstand by your bedside And the sharp edge you would swing to strike Would break my hand instead How you clattered all arrhythmic on that fixture on the wall Where I caught you silver cabbage moth Your powder left still lingers in my palm I was building landmarks for my errors in your scars I was in the wrong to start I was building landmarks for my errors in your scars I was in the wrong I felt your pain I felt my hands shake hard I felt afraid and ashamed that I felt anything all I felt your panicking You’re shattering Your catastrophic fall And I felt long gone I said your name out loud Already anxious I broke it all I’ll fix it all I failed you all along My hands buried all the bad in you My hands never get it back My hands buried all the bad in you My hands never get it back
6.
Dream if you want for me to carry on If you could break it all down for me I could believe you Dream if you want for me to carry on If you could break it all down for me I remember You and I in Northern Michigan The color in between the leaves Black tourmaline Blue-green Like some bioluminescent thing Come up from the black of the sea The purl of the breeze Whispering I remember How you stood at the water’s edge While i was at the line of the trees And you waded out patiently down Ever-darkening your step The shadows grew around your feet Your ankles and knees I remember Trembling Nights you tunneled inward Anxious unto panic I was that watcher on the ridge Standing on the dune edge faced west And the night sloped down before me Like a challenge from myth But I never moved a inch Backlit by the campfire blazing Heaving in a harsh spring wind Sparks thrown into the low branches to fade While you floated into water like a ghost ship Sinking Days we breezed through everything Laughed through whole mornings at home And out warm nights running from sleep Days like good dreams always Familiar Surreal The sun in the trees Bleeds marigold and wine Life All of its languages here Love spoke in tongues Loudly or hushed Too much of you at once is just enough at all times My life in the light of you I remember Everything Dream If you want for me to carry on You could be like a body in the sea You could go slowly sink on into nothingness Or you could float like a lantern in a breeze You could freeze out of focus on a movie screen Film careening from the reel Or you could stay for an ovation When the credits roll Focused face right in the center of the frame You never know I heard the sound of my feet Before I felt them pound sand I heard only my own hard heartbeat in my head There was no sound I saw the water to your knees Then to your neck Above your head I swore you’d drowned I watched you swim out I only watched you wade in and Panicked when I lost you Sprinting now downward To find you back As if you even needed me Or asked Worry always myself Too much for your old sadness Worry until I panic Tumble to the open shoreline Kept running toward water alone The waves against my chest Deafening Or only your soft laughter in me
7.
You are sleeping in the room alone now You are restless in the night When the lightning from the storm strikes You shine For a second In the light I wait For the moment when the weather breaks I can feel you in the mattress shake I can see the way an old pain holds you Morning falling in the frame You stay down I faced my failure in no way I escaped it In the calm before a breakdown takes Like a rapture in the night You fight hard I faced my own pain in no way I embraced it In the bedroom with the door locked tight Like a coward when the flash burns bright I’ll hide Your hands burnt on the torch’s flame Lighting the path away Brighter than lightning and burning Striking the ground We spend summers awake We shake at shadow shapes The wind it rattles our chains We’re always turning around You were standing in the doorway You were staring in the flames How the fire from the house next door mixed With the colors from the cop cars I saw Neighbors gathered in the the alleyway In the summer in the heat I wait for a way that I can chase your pain out Gather water for the flames I wait Nights we both shook Any noise echoed in our room Rattled on the floor like shells scattering Or like hail falling on the hood of our car Do you remember that drive south? Coastbound just us two Savannah west in the mirror And winter in rearview burning How the storm fell so harshly We felt swallowed And traffic stopped before And behind us Hard rain in sheets grey And unbroken Hazards flashed dimly In all directions Like small satellites Or like lighthouse beacons We turned the radio off I gripped the wheel tight When the storm burst and clouds split Suddenly open to the sky All colors at once and us dumbstruck With love and terror both As if before us stood temples Ancient and terrifying The light refracting truth To see death and life in all things Your hands burnt on the torch’s flame I was the last to change Strike me like a lightning bolt and burning me down Your hands burnt on the torch’s flame I was the last to change Strike me like a lightning bolt and burning me down The wind rattles our chains We shake our fists at the pain We shake at shadow shapes We cup our hands in the storm And watch our houses burning We catch the rain to fight it
8.
You were breaking like the ground beneath me Burn up like a dream I keep of lightning strikes On summer nights On television Now I needed you to be there to carry me to sleep That night I tripped and broke my ribcage On a bar seat Drunk for weeks Chasing ambulances Stumble to my bedsheets Softly drift off after peaceful things I had once and released down in the streets Now here and beyond All footsteps ended at the pond Don’t get why you believed in me so much To follow and retrieve it all That sanctity I scattered so indifferently Still you called on me to breathe you out You begged the breeze relieve Me from what settles deep and Burns down underneath If you believe My love like a battered dog Wanders under street signs Limps out into nothingness Burns up like a bad dream gone I guess I needed you to freeze me out Those corners of your dreams I think you needed me To bleed out loud I guess i needed you to freeze me out Those corners of your dreams I guess you needed me to leave Still you carried me to sleep Leaving when the dream retreats Grasping for an older me Some faded image And it carries you to sleep Breathes out in the fog before me Cattails hit your knees to send Some subtle promise To scatter all their seeds To grow before they leave For life and all its consequential Complicated scenes That shake you out of sleep Scrape your knees beneath your feet I think we bleed because we need to bleed We bleed because we need I just wanted you to carry on and carry me I guess I wanted you to need the things I needed you to be I just wanted you to carry on and carry for me I guess I wanted you to leave I guess you needed me to bleed out loud I guess I needed you to freeze me out Those corners of your dreams I guess you needed me to bleed out loud I guess I needed you to freeze me out Those corners of your dreams I guess I needed me to leave Come and shake me from my sleep Burn up in a bad dream I could believe Come and shake me from my sleep Come and help me believe
9.
Days that I went missing Stumbled on a long walk somewhere So many places we don’t belong So few do But you Came around the corner with your arms wide Said your favorite words to me Despite everything Lift to the clouds on haze or lantern flames Shuffling off to sleep To dream I’d never leave again Shuffling off to sleep To dream I’d never leave again Summer shifting like a dream Summer shifting like a dream for me You go shuffling off to sleep To places where you’re hiding out The anger in your eyes Bright your life of lightning striking I was afraid to find an older me alive in you Afraid that I’d be blinded by the lightness Of a good you never knew And in the summer When I was angry When I was tired When I was scared I just stared into nothing I just stared into nothing When I was worried When I was tired When I was angry or afraid I just stayed in the same place for days In the same place for days In the same place for days Shuffling off to sleep Dream I’d never leave again Shuffling off to sleep Dream I’d never leave again Silent by your own hands You shake now when you speak Hold tightly to your sleeping On the concrete of my dreams And you go silent by your own hands You break down and you leave You go nightly with my panic I get angry I can’t sleep But in the summer I wasn’t angry I wasn’t tired I wasn’t scared I just stared into nothing I just stared into nothing I wasn’t worried I wasn’t tired I wasn’t angry or afraid I just paced while the days ran away While the days ran away To places where you’re hiding out The anger in your eyes Bright your life of lightning striking I was afraid to die a better you inside of me Afraid that you would go Before I had the chance to show the good I know And in the summer We’ll get a new home I’ll get a new start I’ll get to be A new better me now A new better me I won’t be guilty I won’t be sorry I won’t feel angry every day We’ll just wait while the days run away While the days run away While the days run away Shuffling off to sleep To dream I’d never leave again Shuffling off to sleep Dream I’d never leave again Shuffling off to sleep
10.
I had visions of you wandering alone Daylight burst against Printed flowers on your dress And the sun in your hair Silver white I watched you walk Purposefully along the shoulder of the highway Indifferent to traffic and it to you As if neither existed Alone there like all of us And the summer colors shone Bright open fields of goldenrod The sky soft stone Sapphire and selenite Agate Blue lace Pale white bone in brush All things to dust return but you keep on Heading westward quick down Fulton Street As if a thing beyond compelled you walk now there And you could not take your eyes away from it And I could not either And quickening your pace Walking in the wind blown backwards toward home Your face expressionless You stopped suddenly Still as carved stone Waiting for the world to catch up And I watched you In awe always Even in dreams You raised your arms Cross-shaped like a monument Feigning permanence there Denying her death and yours And traffic stopped to watch I knew you’d leave then Ascending heavenward to breathe Never in panic again Peace for you Forever Somewhere I carried on in my visions Tired and lost for years this way Only half aware of the light Shining against the dark Bright until we die When I die let me do so beside you When we die let us go at the same time When the end comes will we see Bright lights burst through the evergreens? Feel the blown sand at our ankles or hear rustling needles in the breeze? Who can know? If we could choose the way we leave Fill out circles on a ballot sheet Vote the way we’ll go How the noise will cease Finally and forever for us both What would we do? How would we go? Would we pass out in barracks beneath bedsheets Brand new sneakers on our feet Two by two into a comet tail peacefully to sleep Forever dream? When will we leave? Will we all just disappear? Or can we be hung up in a gallery Displayed permanently forever with family Painted in frames? Variations on a theme How will we leave? Cut in threes? Displayed in glass cases? Death in the mind of living things? Can it be quietly? Like in the morning drinking coffee with the sunrise Through the lilies in the window of our bedroom to the garden Or just drift off watching TV 6:30 in the evening and Never see it coming at all Or can we live forever here Be buried in our better memories Drunk beside that drainage ditch Road trip east of Denver The prison in periphery Life too beautiful too sweet despite everything Could we choose to stay forever there And never leave? How long do I have to fix this? Years lost too indifferent and afraid While you burst to earth around me like lightning at night How’d I miss a thing so bright? And where does the shame go now if never away? No one to blame but me I wanted everything How’d I fail so badly? I have visions of you wandering alone down every city street Light shaded everything at once And flowers burst against your knees And you asked for me to leave Graceful in your sprinting now through all wind Your skin pale silver lightning the seasons of your grief But you are free now And you asked for me to leave I love you deeply then and now as ever Never waver once again at all in any timeline I will bend them all To find you back to breathe And you asked for me to leave I will rend from you those dreams Release the flowers in the street Burn the monuments in plywood And ascend there To be everything you need I will be everything you need I will be everything you need I will be everything you need

credits

released March 22, 2019

Produced by Will Yip and La Dispute
Engineered by Will Yip
Recorded at Studio 4 Recording, Conshohocken PA.
Mixed by Will Yip and Vince Ratti
Mastered by Emily Lazar at The Lodge, NY
Assisted by Chris Allgood
Album Artwork by Victor Mosquera www.victormosquera.com
Art Direction & Layout by Adam Vass www.adamxvass.com
Panorama Font Design by Nick Steinhardt www.23in.com

C&P 2019 Epitaph 2798 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90026.
All rights reserved. Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable laws

Jordan Dreyer - Words, Vocals
Chad Morgan-Sterenberg - Guitars, Trumpet, Piano, Effects
Corey Stroffolino - Guitar
Adam Vass - Bass, Guitar
Brad Vander Lugt - Drums, Percussion, Synthesizers, Keyboards, Programming

Thank you deeply, and looped infinitely, to everyone behind the curtain, without whom this record would not exist. To Kirk, for so much and for so long. To Epitaph and to the extended LD network. To our partners, our families, our friends, our neighbors, our home. To you, for access and for trust and for ceaseless support (I would not be here). And to Will, particularly, and from the top of a mountain, for hours on end sacrificed not only toward making this record with us, but to helping us survive the process. Neither producer nor engineer nor the two in tandem speaks accurately enough to the innumerable ways in which you reached and always reach above and beyond for the people you love and the art you believe in.
Eternally grateful, eternally in your debt. Peace to all of you forever. LD

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